Idiophonebox

“Blue Car” - Jeff Bridges

The brakes are screaming a song called “What’s the use?”  is up there with “I was seriously thinking about hiding the receiver when the switch broke ‘cause it’s old” as my favorite lyrics. I guess I love a well used piece of machinery.

This whole album sounds like a happy melancholy if that’s possible. It’s an old man reflecting on his life but still looking to the future.

I’ve been filling my time up with projects that keep me busy to stave off the reflecting part. They also eat up my restlessness that comes from not being able to hammer out any long term plans.  All I can do is be patient and make decisions as they come that will hopefully get me where I should be.

I’m figuring out where that is along the way. It’s not a physical place I’m looking for, but that’s often where my mind goes when I’m trying to make a decision. Someone commented recently that I was really into home design and I realized it’s more the idea of being home than anything else. I’m always asking myself will this get me to a point where I’ll have more time to travel and/or find a more permanent place to live?

In the meantime I’m wearing out shoes wandering the city and making my apartment as welcoming a place to hide in as possible. The nice thing is that both have started to feel encouragingly comfortable.

I’ve lapsed into wallowing a lot less often due to flat out not having time, but I’m also exhausted a lot. When I do collapse having something to show for my time usually pulls me out of it. It’s scary how much of the wallowing time I spend staring at stuff I’ve done thinking “how and when did I have the energy and concentration to do that?” That’s sort of where Terned came from. It’s a happy place I have total control over. It’s to remind myself of things I’m proud of. I have a short term memory when it comes to my accomplishments. I’ve realized making progress towards enjoying what I’m doing rather than getting something done has made things more meaningful and reduced the frustration along the way. It’s nice to look back on things and remember more than frustration. That’s something completely new to me. Ever since I was a kid I’ve always designated a point no more than a few years into the future that I morbidly assumed I wouldn’t make it past because I was frustrated by how little control I had. Making it to the eighth grade was a shock as was graduating high school, college and then escaping a job I hated. Now that those structured markers are gone pretty much anything seems possible and I’m a lot happier. I also find myself crying over Lowe’s commercials where inexplicably dancey couples have been dropped into a Michel Gondry music video. I think I’ve reached the 30-45 advertising demographic early, bringing us back around to listening to Jeff Bridges sing songs about being old but starting life all over again.

I’m off to prepare for the corner I painted myself into for tomorrow with an already purchased concert ticket and a rescheduled radio show when I’d rather just sleep through the day and get to the only planned part I’m looking forward to of watching Thursday night’s television programs.